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Belonging: Why Is It Feel So Much Harder as an Adult?

I didn’t expect belonging to be something I would have to learn again as an adult.

After moving to a new town, I’ve realised just how important belonging is and how difficult it can be to create.


We know that feeling connected to others is good for our health and wellbeing. In Martin Seligman’s PERMA model of wellbeing, relationships are one of the key building blocks of a flourishing life. Yet knowing something is good for us and actually doing it are often two very different things.

The ways we quietly hide

I’ve noticed how easy it is to hide.


  • Hide at home watching TV instead of going out.

  • Hide behind my phone while waiting for a class to start.

  • Hide behind my headphones at the gym.

  • Hide at pickleball by arriving just in time to play and leaving as soon as the game finishes.


The strange thing is that even when we’re physically surrounded by people, we can still feel disconnected.

Connection grows through familiarity

I’ve been listening to Mel Robbins talk about building connection in a new place. One of her key ideas is simple: familiarity matters. Keep showing up in the same places. Become a regular. Say hello first.


Simple advice, but wow, that can feel hard as an adult.


Many of us spend years in environments where connection happens naturally. School, university, workplaces, parenting groups or neighbourhoods often create opportunities for relationships to develop over time. When we move somewhere new, we often have to create those opportunities ourselves.

Belonging starts with showing up

Brené Brown makes an important distinction between fitting in and belonging. Fitting in asks us to change who we are in order to be accepted. Belonging asks us to be ourselves and have the courage to let others see us.


Perhaps that is part of the challenge. Belonging requires vulnerability. It means risking a conversation. Introducing yourself first. Returning to a group when you still feel like the new person. Staying long enough for familiarity to become connection.

I’m still learning this.


So, for now, my goal isn’t to instantly feel at home. It’s simply to keep showing up. To put my phone away a little more often. To say hello first. To have one more conversation.


Because belonging doesn’t usually arrive all at once. More often, it grows from small moments of connection repeated over time.


What are some of the things you do to feel like you belong?

What I Have Been Reading and Listening To

Brené Brown, The Power of Vulnerability (Ted Talk) https://youtu.be/iCvmsMzlF7o?si=nG0ehoeCMIKzzvop


Mel Robbins, Where Did All My Friends Go? A Simple Guide to Finding Your People (YouTube) https://youtu.be/drgexn10QPE?si=umb2B9TKINGd6tkv


Positive Psychology, Seligman's PERMA+ Model Explained: A Theory Of Wellbeing (Article) https://positivepsychology.com/perma-model/


Mel Robbins, The Let Them Theory (Book)


"True belonging doesn’t require us to change who we are. It requires us to be who we are.”

Brene Brown

 
 
 

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